Queen of the Unfinished

A friend of mine has joined the bloggosphere in her quest for healthy living. She asked her friends and family for feedback and encouraged us to share our stories, and it got me thinking. She has always been one to take on a challenge and see it through to the end, even through hardship and frustration and the most unthinkable odds. She finishes. Which is why I know she can accomplish this monumental goal she has set for herself. And it made me wonder if I had the same conviction and determination that she does. Maybe it's the circumstances that enable my defeatist side to win out over my optimism, but after much reflection and self-evaluation, I'm sad to say that I don't.

From the time I was 4 years old until just after freshman year of high school, I played soccer. I loved it and I was good at it. Not great, and god knows it was not natural talent, but I could hold my own. During one game, a girl on the opposing team decided she could try to get the ball from me, missed the ball entirely and got my knee instead. It hurt. I recovered, but my knee still gives out now and then. The next season, when it came time for try-outs, I decided I was done. There was too much drama behind the scenes that took away the fun of the game. Girls would enlist their mothers to hound the coaches if they didn't start every game. If the school issued punishment for whatever reason, it extended to the soccer field as well. You break the rules, you miss a game. The girls would, again, employ their parents to find a way around these rules. It wasn't worth it to me to fight through all the bullshit just to play a game of soccer. So I stopped.

Once senior year rolled around, I went on the traditional college tour circuit. I saw campus after campus, but fell in love with one tiny college in the Berkshires, the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts. I didn't apply to any other college. I didn't apply to any "safety schools" or schools that I would probably not be accepted to, I only applied to one. While I don't regret the choice that I made because that college introduced me to some of the best people I have ever met, gave me an opportunity to flourish on my own, not in my brother's shadow, I do wonder if I could have gotten into any other school. But I never tried. I stopped.

Looking back on this blog, there are at lease seven entries that only have a paragraph written, and I can't for the life of me figure out what point I was trying to make. With titles as vague as "Justification is Your Enemy," and "You're Leaving Me for an Ugly Girl," and even one without any title at all, I solidify my reign as the queen of the unfinished. I have at least four book ideas that I started and never finished. I have twenty different ideas for small businesses and have never followed up. I stopped.

I am just within reach of a job that actually means something to me. I went to school to write, not answer phones. It's right there. I just need one interview. Just one. Just the chance to show them that not only am I a good candidate, but I'm the best candidate. I'm the best person for this job. I want to be in this industry, I want to have a byline, and see my name on a masthead. I want to spend hours figuring out the right spacing for an article and adjust the layout until it's beyond perfect. Here's my opportunity to be as brave and confident as my friend. To take on something that will challenge me and push me to my limits. I just need the chance to show them (and myself) that I can do it.