Tasty Tuesday: Vanilla Chai Ice Cream

Who doesn't love ice cream?  Aside from the lactose intolerant and those who live a vegan lifestyle, of course.  One of the best tasting summer treats has always been homemade ice cream.  When I was younger, my mother would make ice cream sandwiches for the 4th of July.  After our bbq and celebrations were over and the sun had set, we would climb on to the roof of my parents' house (with adult supervision, of course), snuggle on a blanket and watch the fireworks across the bay as we happily noshed on those scrumptious frozen treats.

At the time, my mother had every kitchen gadget known to mankind in the early '90s, so naturally, she had an ice cream maker.  Being the poor and underemployed woman I am, I do not have every kitchen gadget known to mankind in the second decade of the new millennium.  And while this method of ice cream making is a little time consuming, I promise you, it's worth it.  And being the creative ingenue that you all love and adore, I included a couple options to alleviate the time-suck (and cost).

Ingredients

1 star of anise

10 whole cloves

10 whole all spice berries

2 cinnamon sticks

10 whole white peppercorns

2 cardamom pods, opened to seeds

1/4 cup black tea (English Breakfast)

1 cup milk

2 cups of heavy cream (divided in half)

3/4 cup sugar

pinch of salt

6 egg yolks

Directions:

1. Combine 1 cup of milk and spices in a heavy saucepan.  Heat until steamy (NOT BOILING) and hot to touch.  Lower heat to warm.  Cover and let set for 1 hour.

2. Reheat mixture until steamy.  Add tea leaves.  Remove from heat, stir in tea and let steep for 10 minutes.  Use fine mesh strainer to remove tea leaves and spices.  Return milk to saucepan.  Add sugar and heat, stirring until sugar dissolves.

3. WHILE THE TEA IS STEEPING: Prepare the remaining cup of cream over an ice bath.  Pour cream into a medium bowl and set in ice water (LOTS OF ICE) over a larger bowl.  Set mesh strainer on top of both bowls, then set aside.

4. Whisk yolks in medium bowl.  Slowly pour heated milk into eggs, whisking constantly so eggs don't cook.  Scrape back into the saucepan.

5. Return saucepan to stove, stirring constantly over medium heat with a wooden spoon, scraping bottom as you stir, until mix coats spoon (without running), approximately 10 minutes.  Remove from heat immediately and pour through mesh strainer over the ice bath.

6. Pour custard through the strainer from Step 2 and stir into the cold cream.

7. Once initially chilled in the ice bath, chill in the refrigerator for several hours.

8. Move the chilled cream from the ice bath to the freezer and allow to set for 20 minutes.  Scrape crystals from sides to center, beat mix thoroughly then return to freezer.  Allow to set for another 45 minutes, then scrape crystals and beat thoroughly.  Repeat over the course of 4 hours.  By the end, you should have scraped approximately 4-6 times.

The fun part of actually creating the ice cream sandwiches.  When I made them, I used basic chocolate chip cookies, but use your imagination.  Go crazy.  Spoon the ice cream onto the bottom of one cookie, spread it evenly across, top with another cookie.  Make sure you use the flat bottoms of the cookies as the actual sandwich part that will touch the ice cream.  It makes assembly without breakage so much easier.  Something that you'd think would be a no-brainer, but believe it or not, I have had to explain that little detail before.  Wrap thoroughly and tightly in plastic wrap, then freeze overnight.  They should be good to go the next day.  

Then, just unwrap and enjoy.

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY: Have you made any of our Tasty Tuesday recipes?  How did they turn out?  Did you make any creative substitutions?  

Always remember you can submit your own recipes and we will post them to share.  The goal of the Diaries of Eugene is one of community involvement.  Pictures of your creations (both culinary and craft) are welcomed and appreciated.  You will be given proper credit, I promise.

***You can substitute the spices and tea with a couple tablespoons of vanilla chai mix (conveniently available at your local grocery store or coffee shop).***

***If you have an ice cream maker, congratulations, you're better than me and you can skip a ton of this recipe.***

Tasty Tuesday: Baked Donuts

There really is nothing like a good donut on a chilly Sunday morning.  It brings back memories of Dunkin Donuts trips after early soccer games.  Thankfully, I have equally culinary-minded friends who enjoy experimenting and taking delicious concoctions you'd find in a restaurant and making them at home.  

My friend, Kate, is getting married in early October so the gifts have begun pouring in.  Thankfully, most of the stuff she registered for is kitchen-related, so she's itching to try out the new toys.  One such new toy is a donut pan.  

 This pan is from Wilton and the recipe for the donuts came from the insert and label sheet attached to it.

The recipe itself is pretty easy and straightforward.  While I didn't make the donuts myself, I can say from having tried them firsthand, they are DELICIOUS!!  And the options available in terms of toppings are limitless.  Glazed, iced, sprinkles, jelly-filled, sugared...the list goes on.  

BAKED CAKE DONUTS

(Recipe found on the Wilton Donut pan)

Makes 12 regular-sized donuts

2 cups cake flour, sifted

3/4 cup granulated sugar

2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg

1 tsp salt

3/4 cup buttermilk (Kate used low-fat)

2 eggs, lightly beaten

2 tbsp butter, melted

1. Preheat the oven to 425F.  Spray the 6-cavity donut pan with nonstick cooking spray.

2. Sift together the flour, sugar, baking powder, nutmeg, and salt in a large mixing bowl.  Whisk in the buttermilk, eggs, and butter.  Beat until just combined.  

3. Fill each cup until about 2/3 full (we didn't really follow that direction on the first batch, but the only difference it made was we were unable to fill an entire second tray.  The cooking time was about the same).

4. Bake 7-9 minutes or until the top of the donuts spring back when touched. (They may not look done, so make sure you touch them to see if they are, in fact, ready to be taken out of the oven.)

5. Cool in pan for about 4-5 minutes before removing from the pan.  Complete the donuts either with a dusting of powdered sugar, glaze, or cinnamon-sugar topping.  Best served fresh on the same day.

Kate used dark chocolate for the glaze and, I have to say, it was pretty rocking.  The powdered sugar ones were to-die for.  I'm happy to report, it was paired perfectly with a nice steaming hot cappuccino.  That's how my soon-to-be-married friends roll.  They SUPER fancy.

Question of the Day: What would your ideal donut be made of?  How would you top it?

Tasty Tuesday: Spinach Pie

If you find yourself in attendance at any of my family parties, I can all but guarantee that this dish will be featured on the menu.  It's been a staple since my mother was my age.  It's a wonderful take on Spinakopita and while I haven't mastered the speed in which my mother completes it, the flavors are all there and OH. MY. GOD.  Your tastebuds die from ecstasy.

This, too, is from the Moosewood cookbook, which if haven't already picked up, you probably should.  Here, this might help.  While it may be known by other names or more official titles, in my family, it's simply known as "Peggy's Spinach Pie."

2 cups feta cheese

1 cup finely chopped onion

1 tsp oregano

5 eggs

1 lb ricotta cheese

2 lbs spinach

2 tbsp flour

1 tsp basil

1 pkg Phyllo dough

1 lb margarine or butter

1. Cook and drain spinach.  Sautee onions in 2 tbsp butter.  Mix spinach, onions, cheeses, eggs, spices.

2. Melt butter and brush bottom of 11 x 18 baking pan.

3. Carefully spread 8 layers of phyllo dough (brushing each layer with margarine/butter).  Spread half of the spinach mixture on top of the phyllo gough.  

4. Add another 8 layers (brushing each layer with butter/margarine), then top with remaining spinach mix.  

5. Top with another 8 layers of phyllo dough (once again, brushing each layer with butter/margarine), making sure the top layer is thoroughly coated as well.

6. Bake at 375F for 45 minutes.

This works GREAT as a make-ahead meal.  You can make it the night before and just bake it right before you need it.  Soooo good.  It's flaky, it's buttery, it's cheesy, and good golly the spinach and onions taste so amazing.  I'm not a big onion fan, but you can't even taste them, all you get is flavor and you can't help but close your eyes and just savor.  It's that good.

QUESTION OF THE DAY: What's your favorite make-ahead meal?  OR What's a dish that seems to be served at all of your family events?  

**I keep meaning to get a picture of this delicious display of wonder but it's usually cut into and served by the time I remember.  I promise to upload one as soon as the next family party rolls around.  We have them often, so it shouldn't be long**

Now What?

Thanks to the growing popularity of Tasty Tuesday (yay! so glad you guys like it!), a serious question has been brought to my attention: what the heck do you do with the leftover ingredients?  The most prominent example is the (exaggeration alert) ten thousand pounds of random yet delicious cheeses used in the Spinach and Artichoke dip.  Since the grocery stores have yet to figure out a way to package and sell smaller quantities of asiago and romano cheese, here are a couple options that might solve your leftover problems (and free up space in your refrigerator for next week's Tasty Tuesday creation).

Above Photo Courtesy of http://mydatinghangovers.com

Leftover Cheese:
Add it in an omelet.  I can speak from personal experience that adding a little asiago cheese to an omelet is one of the best things that has ever happened to me on a Saturday morning.

Make some delicious 'artisan' bread.  Try this recipe for Sun Dried Tomato and Asiago Cheese bread from allrecipes.com:  http://allrecipes.com/recipe/asiago-toasted-cheese-puffs/detail.aspx

Add it to your favorite pasta.  Why is everything always topped with parmesan cheese?  Why not switch it up and mix the parmesan with some asiago and sprinkle that over the carb-riddled delicacy of your choice.  Or you could take it one step further and actually put it in the pasta.  Add a couple handfulls to the ricotta in your lasagna or in a homemade vegetable ravioli.

Make a homemade Fancy Shmancy Mac 'n Cheese.  Melt the cheese with some cream, pour over cooked macaroni.  Spoon into casserole dish, sprinkle bread toppings over it.  Bake for 10-15 minutes at 325-350F.  For an added bonus, you can use the bread you removed from the boule as the topping.  Toast the chunks of bread, then put them through a food processor until you have coarse crumbs no larger than a grain of rice, sprinkle over the top of your macaroni, et voila!

Make a quesadilla.  Two tortillas with some cheese.  Done.  For added flavor, I like spread barbeque sauce on one tortilla.  Sooooo good.

Leftover Spinach Dip
There shouldn't be any.

Leftover Veggies
You've made a veggie tray because you found an awesome dip recipe (ahem: upcoming Tasty Tuesday post? Perhaps) and now you've got four pounds of fresh cut veggies to use up.  Make a stir fry.  Toss the veggies in a skillet with some olive oil and soy sauce, toss in some sesame seeds (and the meat of your choice, if desired).  Let it sautee for a while and boom.  Instant yumminess.

Make a salsa.  Dice up some peppers, throw in a couple tomatoes, add a dash of vinegar and some onions.  Boil so everything simmers and melds together.  Trust me, it's easy and yummy.  You can even get some cheap mason jars at your local hardware store and bottle it up for easy storage.

Healthy snack.  Separate the mixed veggies into smaller portion sizes and bag them up.  You have snacks to last you for a while, so when you're feeling like you want something crunchy, you reach for your pre-packaged veggies rather than the chips.

Leftover Creams
A common problem for me but easily remedied.  Make your own whipped cream.  Add some vanilla (or the flavoring of your choice) and some sugar.  Using your electric mixer on high speed, whip the cream until soft peaks form.  Nothing says light and satisfying dessert like fresh berries and homemade whipped cream.   **Soft peaks means when you turn the mixer off and raise the beaters out of the cream, the cream will follow upwards and maintain it's shape.**

Above photo courtesy of www.about.com (direct link here)

Add the cream to tomato soup and it instantly becomes a bisque.  It makes it creamier and, quite frankly, just plan yummier.  You can use the cream as a base to tons of soup recipes.  

Make your own butter.  No, I'm not kidding and yes it's incredibly easy.  Put two cups of heavy cream and 1/4 tsp of salt (optional, it adds flavor but it's not vital) into a blender or food processor.  Let the cream "churn" for 10 minutes or until it starts to separate.  Pour out the liquid, then press the butter into a container with the back of a spoon to push out even more liquid.  If you're feeling fancy, you can add a little bit of honey before you pack it into the container.  Stir well, then pack as normal.  You've just made honeybutter, which tastes great on an english muffin or a biscuit.

The options for leftovers are endless.  It's just about using your imagination.  If a recipe you try doesn't come out well, don't just shove it off and never try it again.  Think about what you didn't like and what you could change to make it more to your tastes.  That's the fun part of cooking: everything is an experiment.  

Question of the Day:  What's your favorite leftover recipe?

Remembering Means Honoring

I typically don't post things like this, but there's just been so much negativity, I can't really keep my mouth shut.

This day, ten years ago, was a very big deal.  There's no sense in ignoring it.  Whining and quibbling about the abundance of coverage marking the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks is more than just a little rude.  Regardless of how you feel about the country's handling of the aftermath, thousands of people died that day.  When you make comments degrading the coverage or blatantly state you're ignoring the day's meaning, you're basically throwing a giant pile of garbage on the memories of those people.  If you're so gung-ho about not participating in any activity to memorialize the 10th anniversary of September 11th, then just go about your business as normal.  There's no need to make any remarks or derragatory comments.  Let those who choose to participate honor the fallen in their own way.  Yes, some will take it to the extreme but so what?  How does that impact you?  Does it impede your life so much that you have to make it your facebook status?  I'm guessing no.

I'm not exactly the hugest supporter of war or any of former President Bush's tactics (weapons of mass destruction, anyone?), but I do support those men and women who choose to serve their country and fight.  Plenty of my friends are members of various military branches and I support the efforts they make to maintain my rights and my freedoms.  I support the fact that they willingly put their lives on the line to make sure the world knows America is a force to be reckoned with.

Those who choose to honor the memories of the soldiers, firemen, police officers, and every day men and women who lost their lives because of what happened that day, let them.  Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, what happened 10 years ago changed our country forever.

Tasty Tuesday: The Best Cheesecake You'll Ever Eat

Despite my love of making them, I've never really been a big fan of cake.  While I enjoy the creativity involved of making and enhancing flavors beyond basic chocolate and rudimentary vanilla, the fun stops there.  Cheesecake, however, has always been the dessert that I go to when my tastebuds need some happiness.  The variations are endless (Turtle cheesecake is a delight, as long as you don't have any sort of nut allergy).  There's one restaurant in town that serves a Vanilla Bean cheesecake that, no matter how full I am, it always makes its way into my meal choice.  But even that one, on its best day, pales in comparison to the cheesecake my mother makes.

One day I asked my mother where she got the amazing recipe and she said it was a wedding present.  Before she and my father got married, someone gave her the Moosewood Cookbook.  I'm sure 30+ years ago, it was in much better shape, but even without the cover or binding, even with the butter and oil stains, the dried dough particles marring random pages and forming a primitive adhesive, that book is her go-to bible for all things culinary.

And with that, I share THE Best Cheesecake You'll Ever Eat:

Crust

Crumbs from 16 graham crackers

1/2 stick butter

1 tbsp honey

1 tbsp flour

Filling

16 oz cream cheese

1/3 cup sugar

4 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1 lemon (juice and grated rind)

Topping:

1 pint sour cream

1/2 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1. Preheat oven to 375F.  Mush up graham cracker crumbs, butter, honey, and flour with fingers and press firmly into bottom of spring form pan.

2. Blend the cream cheese, 1/3 cup sugar, eggs, 1 tsp vanilla, and lemon until smooth and creamy.  Pour on top of crust and bake for 25 minutes.  Allow to cool completely.

3. Blend sour cream, 1/2 cup sugar, and 1 tsp vanilla.  Pour on top of cooled filling and bake for 5-8 minutes.

4. Cheesecake must set in refrigerator for AT LEAST 12 hours before it will be firm enough to slice well.  If you get impatient and cut before it is completely set, the top will be runny.

**Disclaimer: neither Eugene nor her mother came up with this recipe.  It came direct from the Moosewood Cookbook, available for sale here and other retailers.**

Blasts from the Past

Found one of my first blogs and came across these magnificent paragons (hello GRE flash cards):

Keep in mind these were from three years ago when I was working in a restaurant.

Love and such,

Eugene

Detox or Faux-tox?

There's been so much talk about "detox diets" that one can't help but be slightly curious.  Beyonce Knowles lost 20 pounds on the Master Cleanse detox diet for her role in "Dreamgirls," the sisters Duff (Hilary and Hailey) swear by it.  But the idea of willingly ingesting nothing but lemon juice and water flavored with cayenne pepper for a week just doesn't seem that appealing...or healthy.  People talk about the incredible results you get from this wonder diet.  Well, you're starving yourself for a week, if not longer, so I would be floored if you didn't lose any weight at all.  What they don't talk about is how this is NOT, I repeat NOT, a diet.  It is a detox.  So when you come off the detox and start eating food again, you gain at least half of the weight back.  And if you're a binge-eating defeatist, chances are you'll gain all of it back and be right back where you started from.

Having vented to my mother about my dissatisfaction with my weight and appearance, and then, mistakingly, bringing up the aforementioned detox wonder diet, she hopped into fretting mother mode and made me swear never to try it because it was ridiculously unhealthy.  I had to laugh and walk away because, as I'm sure you are already aware, you can't really talk with moms when they're in "the zone."  A few minutes later she apologized for getting so "uppity" as she called it, and then told me about this new juice detox diet.  It's the same basic concept as the Master Cleanse except for one key factor: you're not starving yourself to see the results of a clean system.  You're getting the vitamins, proteins, and nutrients your body needs to not only survive, but more importantly, what your body needs to thrive.  It's called the Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet, and it promises 21 pounds in 21 days.  Well, we'll see, I guess.

My mother and I are going to be starting it soon, and while, yes I'm not the typical person who goes on these sorts of diet (I'm 24, five foot nothing, and only about 7-10 pounds over what I would like to be), and while I get a lot of grief from people (my mother, my boyfriend, my friends who weigh a bit more than  I do) when I say that I need to lose weight, it's something that I'm not happy with.  And since I'm not about to go under the knife for some lipo anytime soon, this seems to be the happy alternative.  I'm not looking for a quick fix.  I want to be healthy and eat what I should be eating.  Now, that being said, I do go to the gym 5-6 days a week.  I do at least 30 minutes on the treadmill, reaching about 2-4 miles each time, burning anywhere from 200-500 calories.  I do a series of ab workouts every other day.  I don't eat fast food, I love vegetables, and we only eat organic foods.  So my frustration comes from the fact that no matter what I do, I can't seem to lose these 10 pounds and it's driving me insane.  I've had issues with eating disorders before and I'm trying to get over that.  I'm hoping that if I document this diet, unsightly pictures and all, that the proof will be in the pudding and I can really see the progress I'm making.

So, with all that said, let's start preparing and see what this baby can do!

MONDAY, JULY 21, 2008

Growing Up Doesn't Have to Mean Growing Apart

It's been over two years since we've been in college, and almost a year since my last visit to said college, and suffice it to say that a lot has happened in the time between then and now.  There have been births, deaths, weddings, road trips, drunken stupors, job changes, relocations, and just about everything else.  And while some may say that I've been avoiding the 'real world,' I'd like to think that I've just been following my own path to happiness.  I've been criticized by just about everyone for not facing reality and trying to maintain some air of irresponsibility.  But, while they've been criticizing, I've been building my life.  I've found the one person I want to be with for the rest of my life, I've been making new friends that I can rely on and depend on, and I've finally found a job that makes me happy (both professionally and personally).  So when the time came to celebrate this new chapter in my life, I thought those who have encouraged me for the past six years would be the first ones to congratulate me.  I was wrong.  The very same people who chastised me for not "acting my age" were the ones who isolated themselves because they didn't approve of my new friends.  While you were off getting drunk, yet again, and delaying the inevitable first 'real' job, I was making a life for myself.  I have a real life and you don't.  For the first time in our friendship, I was seriously disappointed in you.  And for the first time in our friendship, I've reached a point of maturity you have yet to discover.  I'm trying not to hold it against you, I'm trying not to revert to "how dare you" and "i can't talk to you" and I'm trying to rise above.  But you did not make it easy.

These people may not fit your mould of what my friend should be like, but I enjoy their company.  They make me laugh, they include me in their jokes, and I can call on them in almost the same way that I used to be able to call on you.  This is my life and I like it.  Just because you don't get it, doesn't mean it isn't right for me.  And how dare you make me think otherwise.

The Bucket List

I'm sure that everyone at some point or another has made a list of things they want to do in their life.  Backpack through Europe, learn another language, go skydiving, etc.  I made my first list when I was 15, then another one at 18, right before I left for college.  The lists were usually made in journals, or in notebooks that should have been dedicated solely towards literature class notes.  In the midst of some spring cleaning, I came across these lists, sadly noting that I had not accomplished as much of them as I would have hoped.  So, as my therapist says, making yourself accountable for your actions requires a little help sometimes.  And with that in mind, I feel that if I put my goals out into the world, I'm somewhat forced to take some action, otherwise, I'll be all talk, which is something I fear I'm becoming.  That said....here we go.

1. Learn to play the guitar

2. Learn Italian

3. Learn Spanish

4. Go skydiving

5. Act in a full-length play

6. Learn to drive a standard

7. Read at least two books a month

8. Volunteer at an animal shelter

9. Learn to play the piano

10. Learn to play the violin

11. Get married in my backyard

12. Go to pastry school

13. Go to culinary school

14. Travel through Europe

15. Travel through Asia

16. Travel through Australia

17. Travel through South America

18. Travel through Canada

19. Drive cross country

20. Watch AFI's Top 100 Films

21. Start my own business

22. Sing Karaoke

22. Watch the entire series of Sex & the City

23. Live on my own

24. Run a marathon

25. Throw a New Years Eve party

The rest to be determined at a later time...

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2008

You'll Sit There and You'll Like It

Is it me, or have people just started to suck a lot lately?  Maybe I'm just upset because, as previously blogged, my post-collegiate life isn't everything I hoped it would be.  Or maybe I'm projecting my fear of reaching the mid-20s onto unsuspecting people who have no connection to my life whatsoever.  Or maybe I'm just bitter because they get to enjoy fine, quality seafood and I get to stand around for ten hours, covered in ketchup and clam juice, sweating like Rosie O'Donnell when she wakes up in the middle of the night and realizes she's just a big, scary lesbian with little to no fame at all.  Whatever the reason, I've noticed an influx of baby-boomers and the slightly younger yuppie generation who really just, honest to blog, suck at life.

When you go out to eat, you're basically saying to the world, "I don't feel like cooking tonight.  I want to treat myself to a nice meal and just enjoy my evening."  Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that imply you should be in a good mood?  Shouldn't you be projecting an air of happiness out into the world?  I don't expect rainbows to miraculously start shining out of your ass, but I would think, at the very least, a smile would be visible.  So why is it that every other person or couple who comes into the restaurant I work in seem to have the worst case of hemorrhoids ever.  They walk in like their anus is bleeding and I have the magic cream and some latex gloves.  Oh here, let me rub that on there for you.  How's that feel?  Better?  Oh nay nay, my little maggots, that is NOT my job.

I have the lucky task of showing these muff-chomping ingrates to their table, and then, the real fun begins.  It starts out like any normal relationship--with a pleasant greeting, a smile, and usually, a slight tilt of the head.  "Hi, how are you?"  If they respond and then ask how I am, it's usually a good sign.  Of course, working in the heart of a tourist town, getting any sort of acknowledgement of my humanity is slim, at best.  People are too wrapped up in their own pathetic, dreary lives to even realize that when you go out to eat, you're actually going to someone else's office.  Once we've established how many are in their party, and they've debated a good twenty minutes on whether or not they want to eat outside, and then another ten to thirteen minutes on sitting in the sun versus sitting in the shade, I offer them the actual table they're going to be sitting at.

Then comes the first fight in our relationship.  It's awkward and weird, and you're not really sure how far to push the boundaries.  You try to keep it civil and polite because you're really not trying to be mean, you're just trying to explain that you're doing all you can and you really do care about them and their well-being.  But do they acknowledge that?  Of course not.  Apparently, the whole world revolves around them and their crunchy hair (hi, yeah, the 80s are gone and they were ridiculous while they were here, that's why Vh1 made a nine hour special dedicated solely to mocking the stupidity of their fashion trends and hairstyles).  The table I bring them to isn't the one they picked out during their three second stroll to the hostess podium.  Explaining why I don't have that particular table available when it's empty and all set up is a tricky thing.  Basically, when I'm telling you it's not available, it means I just sat three tables in that server's section and I'm trying to give them a break.  Hey genius, there's a reason I didn't put you at that table in the first place.  Think about it.  I know it hurts and you can't really juggle walking AND thinking at the same time, god forbid we throw in a little gum chewing and a hair flip.  Sit in the stupid chair, take the damn menu, and leave me alone.

Once they've finally settled in and I've explained, slowly and using small words, that the specials are on their table and the wine list is in the back of their menus, my job should be done.  I should just head back to my podium, mark down which table they finally ended up at, and then wait for the next group of teet-suckling jerkoffs to show up.  But no.  Oh no.  After waiting all of about twenty-seven seconds, they decide it's too cold to sit outside, they'd like to move inside, but not near the windows because it will be too sunny, and not near the door because it will be too breezy.  But not around the corner away from the breeze and the door because there's no view.  Ok.  Look around, dillweed.  Although we make incredible use of the space by cramming in as many tables as we can, it's not a very large restaurant.  You tell me, given your criteria, where you think you should sit, because no matter where I put you, you're going to point out at least four other tables that you think would be better, and then we're just going to have to repeat the first fight all over again.  And then, for the nine millionth time, I'm going to have to explain to the intellectually incapable that they can't give me their drink orders because I'm not their server.  I'm the hostess.  I'm the chick who tries to tell you where to sit.  Your server is the one wearing all black and carrying a tray of waters towards your table.  Talk to them about getting a Box O' Wine on over to your table right quick.  

I roll my eyes as I walk away, apologizing to the waitstaff for giving you to them, and mutter something about you probably being from Connecticut.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008

Don't fill up on idealism, kids, leave room for dessert.

From the very beginning of our academic career, we're given necessary goals to achieve.  In the younger grades, we learn to color in the lines, then to read and write.  As we progress through middle school, our main goal is to get to high school with as little embarrassment as humanly possible.  Then, we struggle through the next four years just to graduate and make it to college.  We're told that without a college degree, the likelihood of succeeding in today's world is minimal at best.  The four years of college (give or take a few semesters) prepare us for.....what exactly?  A return to the thankless minimum wage jobs we held in summers between school?

My college years were spent pursuing a degree, I was told, would help me "change the world."  I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't my generation the one who's going to solve all the problems the baby boomers created and GenX ignored?  But how, may I ask, are we to do that if we're not getting hired?  After the joy of graduation and a completed education had subsided, the harsh reality set in.  Hundreds of resumes were sent out, each receiving the same response, "We appreciate your interest in our company, however at this time, you do not possess the necessary experience to fill [insert desired position here]."  Ok, let me ask the obvious.  How can I gain the necessary experience if no one will hire me?  

The post-collegiate idealism has all but faded into oblivion and we succumb to the nauseating realization that we must return to the retail and food service businesses we thought we triumphantly left behind.  We smile grimly and say, "Hi, how're you doing today," knowing full well the answer we receive will be nothing more than a "Fine," without even the courtesy of making eye contact.  But what's the alternative?  Sitting in an over-air conditioned office, wearing less than comfortable 'business casual' attire, referring fellow employees to the latest memo on inter-office fraternization?  Clearly, the fervent encouragement of our responsibilities as 'young adults' was misleading.  We admit defeat, hang our heads in shame, and file in line at the copier, debating whether or not onyx is the appropriate shade of black for our resume.  

"Thanks for coming.  Have a great day."